At the very least, you need to be given "homework" assignments asking you to identify signs of good and bad character in others. Because this glaring flaw in your own sense of judgment is fundamental to your health and happiness, your therapist should be devoting considerable energy to helping you develop skills in assessing others. Who knows whether your beau will get violent again in a threatening situation. Anyone who does that has a very shaky sense of self. Why? Do you (mistakenly) believe this is the way "real" men are? Was your father controlling of your mother (or you)? Or are you so bowled over by "romantic" gestures that you don't even bother to look underneath and examine a man's true character? What could possibly be attractive about a person who belittles others? It's just a matter of time and circumstance before you become a target.
#Catch a lover adult edition full
The world is full of control freaks of various stripes. You can't possibly trust another person again until you develop and learn to trust your own ability to judge the character of men.
Your track record alone calls for supreme caution. Fix the problems in emotional intimacy and you will solve the problems of sexual creativity. You need to show her openness to information (however uncomfortable) about your relationship, some awareness that you might not be the most emotionally supportive or in-touch mate and a willingness to fix in yourself the barriers you put up to emotional (and sexual) intimacy. It's a relationship, and you're in it as much as she is, and you are responsible for diagnosing and fixing its problems as much as she is.
But it is not fair to shift onto her the entire burden of describing what is/was wrong with your marital relationship.
You wife may not be eager to reopen the discussion of her transgression, but the two of you need to process ALL the old hurt quite openly and she needs to grasp the pain it has caused these many years. Whatever else it is, this isn't being "past it." This is being stuck in something that happened years ago. Whatever that is, more than likely it's what drove her into a long-term affair in the first place. That your wife can't articulate the reasons sounds like there is still something in the nature of your relationship that keeps her from speaking freely to her own husband. A wife does sexual (and nonsexual) things with a lover because a) the lover sees her in a way that is supportive, which frees her and encourages experimentation, and b) the lover establishes a bond of emotional intimacy that provides a safety net for all kinds of new experiences. In short, you need to discuss ways to bring into your marriage the emotional and sexual excitement your wife felt she had to go outside it to get. Getting past infidelity doesn't just happen with time you and your wife have to fully process the experience and the pain it caused, decide together on ways to rebuild trust, and then renegotiate your own relationship so that it meets both your needs and defuses the threat of future infidelity. And "getting past it" must mean different things to you and me, because if you were truly "past it" the sexual infidelity wouldn't be rankling you these many years later.
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